Thursday, March 27, 2008
Fourteen years ago my wife and I helped launch a new church in Dayton, Ohio. Five years later when we felt called to move to Philadelphia, the church was thriving, in its own building, and looking at very bright future.
Finding the right pastor to follow me was essential.
After an exhaustive search we felt God brought us the right replacement. He was a leader, full of vision, and all his references were glowing. Words cannot express how relieved I was. I loved these people dearly and didn’t want to leave them under the care of just anyone. Fortunately God provided.
Within six months he had an affair.
When he left his wife and two young children and shacked up with my daughter’s former dance instructor the church was devastated. I was devastated. His family was destroyed.
But do you know what hurt more than anything? It was preventable.
Soon after it occurred, people in the church said, “If Brian had been here, this wouldn’t have happened.”
They didn’t say that because they believed I was a super-pastor and somehow less vulnerable to sexual temptation than anyone else. They just knew I took precautions, and have done so for the last 20 years of ministry.
“The first thing he did,” one of the elders told me, “was throw out the accountability questions you had us ask each other every week. He said they were too legalistic. He also got rid of the rules for how the staff were allowed to interact with the opposite sex. He said they were way too unrealistic for today’s world.”
What was he referring to? He was talking about the two things that protect not just pastors, but any leader from falling into sexual temptation: solid ground rules and accountability.
Here were the ground rules we had in place for interacting with the opposite sex:
1. No staff member will ever meet alone with the opposite sex in a room without a glass window in the door or the door open.
2. No staff member will ever meet alone off-site with the opposite sex.
3. No staff member will perform long-term counseling.
4. No staff member will ever talk about their own marital struggles with the opposite sex.
Unrealistic for today’s world? I don’t think so.
And here were the actual accountability questions that were thrown out:
1. Have you spent time in God's word and in prayer at least five times a week since we last met?
2. Have you shown your spouse the affection that God asks of you since we last met?
3. Have you spent quality time with each of your children since we last met?
4. Have you lost your temper since the last time we met?
5. Have you spent any amount of time with someone other than your spouse since we last met?
6. Have you found yourself lusting after anyone since we last met?
7. Have you looked at pornography of any kind since we last met?
8. Have you honored God with your finances since we last met (by what you've given, what you've kept and what you've spent)?
9. Have you exercised at least 4 times a week since we last met?
10. Have you maintained healthy eating habits since we last met?
11. Have you taken a full day off each week since we last met?
12. Have you in any way misrepresented your answers?
13. What areas do you really need prayer for and unflinchingly pressed on the next time we meet?
Too legalistic? Unrealistic for today’s day and age?
I don’t think so.
Here’s the only thing I really understand about why affairs happen: affairs take place when loving, committed, and broken people like you and me let down their guard.
That’s it.
Read other posts in this series:
Pastors Gone Wild – New Series Begins Today
Why Pastors Yield To Sexual Temptation (Part 1)
Does Your Pastor Really Believe In Hell? (Part 2)
Effeminate Pastors (Part 3)
Overweight Pastors (Part 4)
People Pleasing Pastors (Part 5)
Why Pastors Yield To Sexual Temptation – Pastors Gone Wild (Part 1)
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10 comments:
Brian,
Great stuff. We have the same rules for staff about the opposite sex. I do have a question about the accountability questions. Who were these asked to, how often and when?
S. Baker
Hey Bake,
We pulled them out every time we met -- two times a month. Everyone answered the questions.
Our agenda was simple:
-accountability questions
-prayer
-church business
Sometimes we'd get hung up on different questions for different people and then would skip the church business altogether.
Someone once said, "Organizations don't have sins, but churches do."
I've just always felt that who were are as leaders is more important than what we do as leaders.
Also, I've always felt that you can reduce what you "do" in a governing board meeting as leaders and concentrate on who you are becoming...and that God would make up the slack and help you make wiser, quicker, and more focused decisions as a result.
95% of church decisions can be made by a highly educated high school freshman. The other 5% is why we as leaders are placed in those roles. And HOW we go about making those decisions has more to do with who we are character-wise and less to do with sharp mental focus and experience.
Always error on spending too much time building character than mulling over leadership decisions. Do that and the decisions will be made quickly, in a unified fashion, and well.
Later man.
Press on.
Brian
Brian,
A great and much needed message. I feel very strongly about accountability.
I had a situation not to long ago that reinforced my convictions. I had one volunteer leader and his whole family that seemed to almost mock my rules. They made the same claims. They felt that the rules were unrealistic and unwarranted.
A short while later this particular individual was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. It also ended up on the nightly news. It broke my heart but made it very clear why we not only have rules and must enforce them adamantly.
It's not about controlling but protecting. Thanks for a great post.
Good wise post.One we all need reminded about.
Excellent stuff. Consider it stolen. (That's not on the list of the accountability questions!)
Brian ---didn't you write something on cleaning out old sermons and finding an unsettling balance / diet in teaching?
Was that you!?
I thought it was and wanted to respond to it because I have felt a great need over past 12 months to be more "meaty" in my teaching and not as much felt needs but real doctrinal needs etc.
That is why we are starting a 9 month series this week called "bookends" where we are going to study Genesis and Revelation between Easter and Christmas!
Anyway --- i wanted to write on the cleaning stuff out post ---but i agree with this GONE WILD post as well!
peace,Todd Clark
Hey Todd,
Yeah, that was my post. I had to re-arrange some things at the last minute. I'll post that again sometime. Hope all is well.
Brian
Brian,
Great post - sobering reminder. For years (in the name of frugality!) my wife and I have tried to operate with only one vehicle in our household. We both work full-time and it gets to be a real juggling act. We're both often offered rides places by co-workers or church folk of the opposite sex (even those who know our rule). It's tempting to let this one slide for the sake of convenience. But boundaries aren't about convenience - they're about protection.
just a question if I may-- regarding #5. Is this question to prevent an inappropriate relationship from developing with the opposite sex(seeking a 'no' answer) or it is to make sure that you ARE making efforts to develop outside friendships beyond your immediate family (in which case a 'yes' answer would be preferable)? the question itself does not specify. thanks for the clarification.
Looking at #5 from that lens I can see how it sounds ambigious. That was intended to keep ourselves from spending too much time with someone of the opposite sex. Though, as you mentioned, developing solid friendships with the same sex is vital as well.
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