Your Pastor’s Dirty Little Secret
In the past 18 years I’ve rubbed shoulders with more pastors than I can remember. I’ve talked with pastors of large churches, small churches, and every size in between. I’ve hung out with black pastors, Hispanic pastors, Episcopal pastors, Republican pastors, and yes, to my shame, even pastors who are Yankee fans. You name ‘em, I’ve probably picked up their lunch tab.
When our conversations move past square footage and per capita giving and other things that keep God up at night, we slowly let our guard down and begin to talk from the heart. Inevitably, that’s when a well-guarded secret is shared. For most pastors, it’s a secret they’ve never shared with their colleagues, their churches, and sometimes even their spouses. I know I can count on one hand the people I’ve shared it with. Until now.
Regardless of how betrayed my fellow colleagues in the trenches might feel by me spilling the beans, I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m coming clean.
Here it is: sometimes we wish we could quit.
There, I said it. That felt pretty good. Pastors, say it with me, “Q-U-I-T. Adios. See ya. Hasta la vista. Outta here.”
I think you get my drift.
You want to know what surprises me? Every time I hear about a pastor getting ready to quit, there’s always two things that drove them to that point.
First, many pastors say they’re tempted to throw in the towel or move because of people. Problem people to be exact. I remember the first church I served. After a few months I was approached by a man who felt called by God to be my accountability partner–without asking me. He offered to take me out to eat one day, so I accepted. Little was I prepared for what was about to happen. Setting down his sandwich he said, “Brian, there are a number of things you are doing wrong, but for the sake of time I’ve kept my list to ten.” I made the mistake of saying, “Start with number one.” Two and a half hours later I left with two things—30 percent less self-esteem and a really good case for why first cousins should never marry.
Like most ministers, I’ve regularly felt the sting of difficult people. Looking back on some of these situations I’ve come to one conclusion: in every congregation there are always 3 or 4 blessed souls that are there because no other organization in town will put up with them. Yes, I agree that it’s hard to overestimate the damage some pastors have done to churches. I own that. I know I’ve caused my share of pain. But it’s also healthy to acknowledge that many of God’s servants walk with a limp because no-one in their congregation had the guts to stand up to a divisive person and protect their leader. It’s at those times it becomes easy to question whether the price is too high, at least for me.
Second, many pastors want to quit because they have simply gotten tired of the “same ole, same ole.” One pastor confided in me that he thinks most pastors change things in their churches simply out of boredom. If most pastors are telling the truth, they’ll admit there is more fact to that than they’d like to admit. Now, before you start rolling up your sleeves to throw stones, think about our typical week. Go to office. People. Problems. Study. Lunch time. More problems. More study. More people. Leave office. Not exactly the job for second-career NASCAR drivers. We Pastors get into ruts. We get bored. We lose energy. We read the church openings. On Mondays you’ll find us on the mountaintop ready to tackle the world, but by Friday at 4:45 p.m. we’re cruising www.idon’twanttospendmydayoffworkingonanothersermon.com. Ultimately, after years hiking back and forth from the mountaintop to the valley and back, we ask ourselves, “Is this it? Am I wasting my life doing this? That’s not the kind of thing you want to hear out of the person leading the charge, but more often than not it’s the truth.
First Thessalonians 5:11 tells Christians to “Encourage one another and build each other up.”
Maybe the person who needs encouragement most this week is the person you think needs it least: your pastor.
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I was a little disturbed by this post. I too have been intimately involved in church leadership for over 25 years. My observation is that the american pastor has come to see himself as some type of maryter, victim, persucated by their own church, club of pain, etc. My belief is that the very structure of our churches is very often not biblical, pastors are often isolated at their own hands, and many many lay leaders see it, know it, and can’t break down that wall pastors put up themselves. I do not know of any job that doesn’t have ups and downs, times of boredom, pain from the very people you lead or serve, etc. Pastors are not victims-they are in the same world all the rest of us inhabit.
Brian – seeing your Wednesday thoughts makes my day!
Trisha, you’ve illustrated his point quite nicely.
While I’m sure Trisha is right that pastors are subject to the same joys and frustrations common to all professions, I think one thing that makes those pains different is the expectation that under the Gospel people will be different. A college tutor once told me never to forget that the church was ‘a company of sinners’, and I wanted to reply, ‘Yes, but …’ The Gospel is about sanctification as well as justification.
Having said that, I do agree it’s entirely possible for we pastors to play the victim and to isolate ourselves. The question needs to be, why do we isolate? Is it issues of status, fear, power or control? Or is to do with having been burned before?
Just my gut reactions – keep on keeping on, Brian! You are an encouragement to me.
Brian, you are a bit of a rat for letting the cat out of the bag, but thank you for your light hearted way of getting at a very real issue for those of us in “professional” Christian leadership roles. May God protect us all from the harms that difficult people can cause, and give us renewed energy to overcome the boredom and monotony of ministry.
What a shock…a pastor is human like the rest of us.
It’s comforting and refreshing because my own disenchantment with the religion in which I was raised was because the leaders all acted as if they were not one of us.
I respect the position of leader in every way, and anyone in a leader role deserves that. It’s the ones who look down upon their constituents, who judge harshly their actions, who concentrate on the financial bottom line, who act as if they are better than the rest of us…those are the ones who did not deserve my respect and forced me to look elsewhere for my spiritual enrichment.
While a spiritual leader is the one we look to for relief from our own internal demons and worldly problems, the leader is not immune to these same issues. He will have his good days and his bad days, and at times will rely on those around him to help rekindle the passion with which he started. It may be one small gesture, one word of thanks that makes him feel it has all been worthwhile.
The people who can admit to me that they are not perfect are the ones who get my utmost respect. It is those folks who are telling the truth.
I’m not a pastor yet, but I’m in seminary now and I hope to be one someday. I am somewhat concerned that this could happen to me. Of course I hope not, but this is sobering.
My minister told our congregation once that “God accepts everybody” so I guess pastors can’t run a “selective” enterprise! I am sure burn-out can become a big issue – having a mentor would probably be a good idea for a pastor. Someone outside of the congregation, of course, and a person to be relaxed with, maybe not easy to find, but worth looking for. Also, having an active lay ministry within your congregation may take pressure off the preaching load. The “power” thing can creep up on the unwary too, I’m sure of that – happens in other professions, why not ministry?
In response to Trisha’s comment I would say this.
I am a bi-vocational pastor. I worked as a professional laborer in secular business for 14 years before I became a pastor. I’ve worked for myself as a private contractor. I’ve worked for an employer in a fairly high stress environment.
I have been on both sides of the regular person/pastor fence. Being the pastor is different. It is different from any other position in church leadership. It is different from any other position one can hold. I would dare say anyone who has ever been a pastor, for over 5 years, would agree with most everything Brian wrote.
I don’t say that as the “martyr” type… I sat that as the “you have no idea until you’ve walked it type”.
And I’m not complaining – I love being a pastor… just my thoughts.
My father was a pastor at a Presbyterian church in NJ. He was well respected and very active in the community.
Then my brother was accused of a crime he didn’t commit. There was a group of people in the church that made it their sole purpose to fire my dad. They made up lies and began to nit-pick at everything he did… ” He must of cheated on his taxes.” “He showed up to work an hour late.” “He misused church funds.” “He spends too much time with his family.” My dad did none of that, except take time for his family! I remember thinking… How can Christian’s be so cruel? Why does the church seem to attract nutty and evil people?
I saw my dad ready to quit. Yet, there were some really great people that helped my family and my father through a really difficult time. This group banded together and protected my father. Ultimately, the stress that my father experienced led him to die of a heart attack at an early age. I remember standing in church at my father’s funeral, looking at the handful of people that caused him so much stress to the point he fell over. From that moment on, the church has been a painful place for me. I turned my back on the church for over 10 years.
A couple of months after my father died, there was a new minister at the church… Guess what? The same group of people caused similar problems for him. He quit after a short time at the church.
It is very important to support your minister and church. The church has dynamics unlike the typical workplace. The pastor needs your help and support, especially during difficult times!
That is an eye-opener. I am a deacon/layleader and studying in Seminary. I think pastors would be good to have prayer/counsel support from other pastors and counselors. Even from pastors from other denominations in their area.
I just read the book “The Reformed Pastor” by Richard Baxter.
I think they need to be able to open up to their elders/deacons and ask them for specific prayer support.
Let us pray daily for our pastors and their family, they are on the frontline and they will be first attacked by the enemy.
Let us encourage the pastor in anyway we can.
God bless you
The ideal church is one where the people do all the work, administration, visitation. The pastor teach his flock and performs life events, and counseling. He has less stress and more time for study, prayer and family. True, this biblical concept only works in a few of our churches. In my church the men does it all, but the pastors attends meetings and give direction, guidance and planning.
We can encourage a Pastor or our Pastor by praying always for them, being there for them and jumping in to help take some of the laod off!! In dealing with problem people, we help with them too.
God Bless,
Mike
This is a pretty deep subject. There are of course many reasons why someone might come to that point, including how the church was set up to start with and for what purpose it existed and did everyone get the point. It should be about God’s will for all people, but we have a tendency to think in terms of God’s will just for a particular church or town or maybe even city, let alone a state or country, which can often times keep us from God’s true will for His people globally. You may think that God’s will would be the same globally and in a particular church, which was pretty much the mind set of believers when Jesus came the first time and was not terribly happy with the leaders. So what does Jesus do to fix the problem? Well through Him we all are leaders, ambassadors for Christ and a royal priesthood and truly if everyone in the body understood that and worked at it then fewer pastors would feel like quitting. Many churches do not accept that all are called to ministry so then there is the problem of who should be ordained, when in truth only God can ordain. But in ministry it often turns out to be the will of the the deacons or board or the will of the people in a particular church instead of God’s will and of course the first one to get the finger pointed at when it doesn’t work is of course the pastor. HUH? Did I say that? Runs back to my own church and hides……………..
I’m still pastoring my first church in my 14th year and I can identify with some of what has been said – however I believe that they key to longevity amongst other things is the Spirit of Sonship. Specifically I mean that every person in the body of Christ is called into relationship with others and pastors are no exception. Pastors need to find their place where they belong, they submit and they serve another person just like they call their parishioners to do. Whilst we would argue that pastors serve more than anyone – I mean, they need to serve another pastor – someone over them in the Lord. Spiritual covering in this sense is not denominational – it is a person that the Lord has put there for their protection, for their encouragement and edification. Covering is more than just keeping an eye on the pastor to make sure he isn’t preaching heresy. When a man or woman of God finds genuine covering and submits and serves the person over them – this is called a Spirit of sonship – and this brings great blessing, enthusiasm, strength in tough times, a desire to persevere and many other similar blessings. Pastors need a spiritual Father like the Apostle Paul was to Timothy referring to him as son. That helps a great deal.