Would Jesus Marry A Divorced Person?
There’s one command of Jesus that is almost universally ignored in the 21st century church, and it’s the one found in Matthew 19:9, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."
I simply don’t know what to do with this.
On the one hand we have a clear command that obviously is meant to be obeyed.
On the other hand we have millions of Christians in this country getting on and off the marriage go-round and NO-ONE is saying anything in church. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Is the silence a sign of gracious wisdom or a lack of faithfulness?
A while ago I mentioned in a sermon that “Marriage is a one and done proposition.” It was like I was speaking in a foreign language. Friends just couldn’t get their minds around the idea that if you got a divorce for convenience sake; you were meant to stay single for the rest of your life (unless your spouse was unfaithful or harmful to you and/or your family). Until death. No re-marriage. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
At the same time, however, I feel great strain as I type these words, because life is a long time to pay for a mistake that happened, say, in your early 20’s. Why would divorce, unlike all other sins, have a permanent penalty attached to it after it’s been forgiven, while other sins are forgiven immediately with no long-term penalty imposed by God? For instance, if you gossip, you’re not banned from church for 3 years. If you kill someone, there are penalties imposed by society, but none in the eyes of God.
A pastor friend of mine came into his office one night and found an anonymous note on his desk. It read, “I wish I had murdered someone like Moses or David, instead of getting a divorce, because at least I would have gotten a fresh start.”
How do we interpret Jesus’ command for today? Should churches marry those who have been divorced for reasons other than a partner’s sexual immorality?
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Comments (20)
CCV church member... on Jul 28, 2009 10:45am
There is a website I came across where the author has some pretty interesting points on this subject. The exact link is:
http://www.divorcehope.com/canchristiansremarryafterdivorce.htm
John McArthur on Jul 28, 2009 10:46am
The reason Jesus was so harsh about divorce is because it is such a painful, shattering, & sickening sin. You never get over it. Divorce, Jesus also taught, was only allowed because of the hardness of our hearts. It is contrary to everything God wants. Sadly, you cannot find a person in church today who has not been affected by divorce either directly or indirectly. Often, they hide the pain by pretending everything is ok but it is not. I have talked to guys who's wife left them almost 30 years ago & they have since remarried, raised good families & have faithful & dedicated spouses yet there is still a bitterness & disappointment in their voice if you can get them to talk about it. Jesus wasn't coming down harder on divorce because he was being mean or restrictive but because he knows what a lifelong burden it is.
Rose B. on Jul 28, 2009 10:52am
I love John's comments....I wish I was able to put it in writing the way he did. I believe Jesus would marry a divorced person, if that person is able to tell God how sorry they are for their mistake and asks for his forgiveness. If you are lucky emough to get a second shot at marriage, it certainly makes you look at things very differently.
Jason Petermann on Jul 28, 2009 11:04am
Brian,
Great thoughts! I too, ask myself many questions and wrestle with answers when it comes to this subject. I have great friends that are divorced and some that are remarried so my feelings want to be soft about the subject, but it is hard to look at the words of Jesus and soften those words at all.
Jocelyn on Jul 28, 2009 11:26am
I'm currently dating a man who is divorced... now maybe this is a mute point because his wife cheated on him so biblically he's in the safe zone, but that being said, if we take the Bible for what it says (which I do) adultery is a sin no doubt, but if you marry someone who was divorced... you are committing adultery, right???
But once you are married does it continue to be adultery? Does God want you to then divorce that person? God hates divorce as much as he hates adultery, so what is the answer? Also adultery is the same in God's eyes as murder, lies, or fornication so in the end wouldn't he forgive the "mistake" you have made by marrying that person and bless your marriage???
Another CCV Attender on Jul 28, 2009 11:54am
I think it is sad that most people give up on their marriage so quickly. The first sign of trouble and they check out. They may never truly divorce or even leave; they are no longer committed to the relationship. Many marriages would fall into this situation, neither truly happy with the other, but unable/unwilling to leave due to money, kids, pride (shame), and religious upbringing.
Which is better to live in a loveless marriage with no respect from your spouse or to divorce and suffer constant judgment from a church? An unchruched friend is faster to look past a divorce, then a friend from church, which is even sadder. A few of my friends have recently, or are going through this issue and some from this church refuse to acknowledge them when they see each other. They are now a black sheep that most be ignored. Just when a friend is most needed, all they see are backs. I wonder why so many people want nothing to do with Christians.
We all live in a fallen world and all sin; we all crave forgiveness, but so many times are unwilling to give it - especially with divorce.
Anonymous on Jul 29, 2009 9:14am
A couple of thoughts:
1. The church has utterly failed at teaching a theology of marriage and sexuality. We have adopted the cultural norms as the foundation for marriage instead of using Biblical principles.
2. We teach kids from an early age that dating is a recreational pursuit but dating often leads to engagement and results in marriage. This begins when good kids at church are encouraged to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at an early age. I recently did a survey at a church camp for high school students and found the majority of them had already had five or more serious relationships before the age of 18! That means at least four “breakups.” Could such a process desensitize people and prepare them for divorce?
3. The high rate of divorce in the church would be greatly reduced if we demanded that the couple invite all the people who were present for the beginning of their marriage to attend the divorce ceremony. We could have them stand on the very spot where they exchanged life-long vows and repeat their divorce vows out loud in front of witnesses. Unfortunately, the church gave marriage over to government a long time ago by silently allowing them to collect a tax for a marriage license.
4. When it comes to remarriage we have to do the difficult work of considering each situation individually. That’s tough and we often default to making “rules” in an attempt to make it easier.
5. One of the most difficult questions is, “Does divorce disqualify someone from being ordained as a pastor?”
FreedbyJC on Jul 29, 2009 9:24am
Having to deal with this issue specifically as an Elder in the church I would like to proffer the following:
If you want to discover what Jesus thought about divorce you need to get Rubel Shelley's book, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage: a Redemptive Theology http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remarriage-Redemptive-Shelly-Rubel/dp/0891125191
or Jay Adam's awesome study http://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Divorce-Remarriage-Bible-Adams/dp/0310511119 . Both studies are well reasearched and insightful.
Keith on Jul 29, 2009 11:31am
"On the one hand we have a clear command that obviously is meant to be obeyed", I think you said it all. We are not intended to know everything on this side. We have God's word to lead us and we should conform our lives to that and not try to find some wiggle room to accomodate the masses
Steve Thurston on Jul 29, 2009 1:58pm
I agree completely with what John McArthur said, very well laid out and explained. I would also add that marriage is the second most precious gift God has given mankind (after giving it life) and it is such a beautiful gift that He cherishes it deep in his own way. When our marriages break down and we divorce, we are breaking that covenant that we made with our Creator… and such a covenant has a very deep connection with God and when we break that covenant, a slight fissure is created that slowly produces a separation between us and God.
Brian has this analogy that he’s used a couple of times when it comes to people shaking up, the ‘duct tape’ strips being stuck together and then pulled apart, then stuck together and pulled apart. Ultimately, the glue that was creating the strong bond no longer works as it used to and becomes very weak. I think that marriages, divorces and remarriage functions in the same way. I’m not for or against divorces, but I think that many believe that finding a new partner and marrying them will solve the problems and that God will restore that lost ‘love/partner’ glue. God doesn’t work that way.
Yes, forgiveness can happen and God can truly work miracles in their lives through a remarriage, but as John said, the burden, the bitterness, the anger, the resentment, the jealousy… it never goes away. You learn to live with it, control it and put it in the back burner of your life as you move on, but it will always drag behind you… and it will always try to creep up sooner or later.
For every choice we make in our lives, there is always a consequence… good or bad. The question should not be, “would Jesus marry a divorced person,” but it should be, “would Jesus be better off marrying a divorced person or not marrying at all?”
A couple of years ago, I read a poll from the Barna Group that showed that a large percentage of remarriages was among newly divorced couples. In other words, people that had just been divorced for no less than five years were marrying again. The research behind the poll also showed that in most cases they were doing so because they wanted a companion and were lonely, not because there was this deep heavenly love created among them. The only connection besides their ‘so called love’ was that they had one thing in common, being previously divorced and they knew how each one felt or was treated previously… and it was that piece that held that love together. The research followed those couples for several years and most had separated, divorced again and remarried once again. Only a few had actually been able to make it work over a five year period.
I think marriage is much more than just falling in love, or having a companion, or a best friend that understands us and likes us even though we are slightly cracked. A marriage is a three way covenant, a three way relationship, a three way love; between us, our spouse, and God. If we don’t see it happening that way, then there should not be a marriage or a remarriage. If we can’t keep our first covenant, how on earth would we be able to keep our second one, and third… and fourth. We are humans, and as such, our past behavior exemplifies our future behavior.
Steve Thurston on Jul 29, 2009 4:23pm
Brian, by the way... I am reading your gorilla book, it looks promising ;-)
Anonymous on Jul 29, 2009 7:20pm
I hope you will take the time to glean a little from Casey Whitaker's book, "Have You Not Read?" which is very helpful in explaining the divorce/remarriage issue. It can be downloaded for free at http://www.wisereaction.org/ebooks/have_you_not_read.pdf
Anonymous on Jul 31, 2009 6:50pm
Brian,
There's another good book you might want to consult on this topic. It's called DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE: A REDEMPTIVE THEOLOGY by Dr. Rubel Shelly.
Joe Smith on Aug 2, 2009 3:50am
I don't think Jesus would marry a divorced person. If you can talk your way out of this one, that is so simply phrased and repeated then you can talk yourself out of any sin. It's our own problem that our society has gotten so comfortable with the forgiveness of God and so oblivious of the FEAR we should have for him. Perhaps I am ignorant coming from a viewpoint of never having to face divorce. All emotions aside it's what scripture says.
Melanie on Aug 2, 2009 12:56pm
You never really know the impact of divorce until it happens. Impact on children and on your relationship with God. I was the cause of my divorce and as I look back...it was the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life, and not a day goes by that I don't ask for forgiveness. At the time no one could tell me anything, and by the way I could hear God "screaming at me", some would call it conscious, but I know it was God.
God has also told me, that he forgives me, now if only I could forgive myself. You cannot go back, you cannot change the past. You can ask for forgiveness and try to do the right thing going forward. But I believe God is not small, and he surpasses all understanding, we are the small ones. I am back with God, he never left me I left him. Jesus is perfect, always has been, and forgave. Would he have married a Divorced person?...Well he died for our sins, all of our sins, I don't think he qualified only this sin but not that sin.
Adam Williams on Aug 2, 2009 1:53pm
Jesus would marry a divorced person for divorce is not a black and white topic, there are many dimensions. One could compare this topic to the debate over Capital Punishment as there are Old Testament scriptures that show God punishing sinners with death. In Genesis 9:6 we read that "Whoever sheds man's blood by man his blood shall be shed, for in the image of God, He made man." Yet in the New Testament Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek and preaches forgiveness. To me, this shows that the scripture can be taken as guide, but God’s commitment, compassion and love for us should guide the decisions that we make today.
Clearly, Jesus does not believe that divorce is ideal, yet he calls out an exception (sexual immorality) and he shows compassion. In John Chapter 8, Jesus defends a woman accused of adultery from a crowd ready to stone her and says (vs 7) "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." He goes on (vs 11) to say to her "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more." While he is not directly speaking about marriage here, nor is he talking about remarriage, he reminds the crowd that adultery is a sin just like any other sin they may have committed. To me, this shows forgiveness.
I believe that God wants the best for all of us. In many cases divorce in not a purely selfish act; it is often the only way for two individuals to move forward and become better people. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” For instance, if someone is in an abusive marriage and continues to be hurt even after every attempt is made to stop the abuse. Following God’s fundamental principles… Would God want that person to continue to stay in the abusive relationship? To me, God’s plan for some of us includes compassion extending to remarriage and a chance at a fresh start.
Aaron Cross on Aug 3, 2009 10:07pm
http://theresurgence.com/mars_hill_church_2006-05-10_divorce_and_remarriage
Mark Driscoll and the Mars Hill crew have a stance that is not seen very often in churches today.
Christy on Aug 5, 2009 11:48am
I always wonder if the divorce issue applies if the couple were not Christians when they were married. So if a non-Christian got a divorce from another non-Christian, but then later became a Christian, would Jesus accept a new Christian marriage for that person?
Anonymous on Aug 5, 2009 9:10pm
I can relate to Melanie. I quit on my marriage, too. But I can also identify with the person who left the note for his pastor about wishing he had committed murder. If I had murdered my ex-husband instead of leaving him, I'd be free to marry again. It just doesn't make sense but as stated above, it's not for us to understand.
ELIZABETH on Aug 27, 2009 11:48am
I divorce a very good christian husband and remarry an unbeliever now I realized that I broke that covenant with God and had repented and will like to remarry my ex. But unfortunately he dis piste me and is married again too. I live in an anguish and guilt that drains my peace and communion with God. My prayer is that the Lord will somehow??? will put us back together in the future before we died.