What Should I Write About? -- How To Write A Book (Part 1)

Thursday, May 01, 2008

One of the most difficult questions those of us who feel called by God to write must answer is what should I write about?

Here’s my advice…

Don’t write something that you think will make you rich.
There are almost 200,000 books released every year in the United States. If you’re trying to make lots of money writing books, you’re going into the wrong business.

Don’t write something that you think will make people like you.
There’s a great line from Shakespeare’s King Lear that every writer should memorize. Near the end of the play the Duke of Albany shouts, “The weight of this sad time we must obey. Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.” Whenever you’re wondering what you should say and how you should say it, always follow his advice. Always.

Don’t write something that will allow you to follow the path of least resistance.
Quick fix weight loss fads. Fast money making schemes. Effortless online degree mills. There are no easy, quick, effortless ways to do anything, especially writing a book. Red Smith once said, “Writing is easy. I just open a vein and bleed.” I believe him.

Instead…

Write something that will cost you a little piece of your soul to write.

Write something you’re convinced will either comfort someone immensely or completely upend their world.

Write something people will want to read 150 years from now.

Write something no-one else has written about in quite the way you can write it.

Write something you simply must write.


So you want to be a writer
Charles Bukowski

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Apologetix and the Demise of Christian Art

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

“The confusion comes about because much so-called religious art is in fact bad art, and therefore bad religion.” -- Madeleine L’Engle


I have a friend who will only listen to Christian music. By that she means music that only uses explicitly Christian lyrics – Jesus, God, Bible verses, salvation, heaven, and hell – all mingled throughout.

However, she would also contend that her musical tastes aren’t marked so much by lyrics contained within the songs, as the words that are kept out of them. No cuss words ever darken the doors of her iPOD. Profanities, hate, vulgarities of any kind, are all blocked by an unassailable wall of Christian censorship.

Her favorite band is a group called Apologetix. They make their living by taking popular songs that everyone likes on the radio, making the lyrics palatable to those within the evangelical/fundamentalist subculture, and then peddling them as a more spiritual alternative to the “world’s music.”

A few years ago a group named Smash Mouth came out with a song called “All-Star.” The song began:

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

Apologetix took that song, re-wrote the lyrics and re-titled it “Pray Now.” Here’s how the spiritually revised tune starts out:

Somebody once told me the Lord is not your roadie
You ain't the star so do it yourself
I said look it's kind of dumb if there's things I need done
It's a shame not to call on the Lord's help

As I read Apologetix’s re-write, I’m struck by two things:

1. Avoiding profanity and vulgarity is a important thing to do as a Christ follower.

2. Expunging profanity and vulgarity from a song, or a poem, or the walls of a dormitory does not necessarily make what replaces it art. And it most definitely does not make it Christian art.

The Sistine chapel. Mozart. Paradise Lost. The Pieta. These are examples of great Christian art.

Juxtapose those pieces with Apologetix, and the fifty kagillion Thomas Kinkade paintings in evangelical homes everywhere, and many of the poorly written books sagging Christian bookstore shelves across the country.

Just because something is labeled Christian, doesn’t make it so.

To me something is “Christian art” if…

1. It is done with excellence.

2. It is done with beauty.

3. It captures some piece of the human experience.

4. It points to something greater than the artist who created it.

Art doesn’t become “Christian” simply because someone throws in evangelical buzzwords, and it certainly doesn’t happen when someone high-jacks someone else’s body of work and makes it palatable to a certain audience.

Art becomes “Christian” when those who view it, read it, or listen to it swear to themselves that they can see fingerprints left from another world.

How To Write A Book And Get It Published

Monday, April 28, 2008

Last week a friend asked me if I could give him some advice on how to write a book and get it published. I am certainly not the most qualfied person to ask that question, but I vividly remember what it felt like to be in his shoes, so I’ve decided to scribble out a few posts on the topic.

For the next few posts I’m going to write about:
--how to nail down a great book idea
--how to improve your writing skills
--how to organize your thoughts
--how to go about the difficult process of putting words to paper
--how to get that idea before potential publishers
--and how to help those publishers promote your message to the world

However, before I do all that, I want to quote a profound little book called Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott. What she wrote below summarizes everything I’ve come to believe about the writing/publishing process. You would do well to take her advice before heading too far down the “writing a book is going to be awesome” path.

Writing about how she felt after completing her first book, Lamott observed,

“I had secretly believed that trumpets would blare, major reviewers would proclaim that not since Moby Dick had an American novel so captured life in all its dizzying complexity. And this is what I thought when my second book came out, and my third, and my fourth, and my fifth. And each time I was wrong.

But I still encourage anyone who feels at all compelled to write to do so. I just try to warn people who hope to get published that publication is not all that it is cracked up to be. But writing is. Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises. That thing you had to force yourself to do – the actual act of writing – turns out to be the best part. It’s like discovering that while you thought you needed the tea ceremony for the caffeine, what you really needed was the tea ceremony. The act of writing turns out to be its own reward.” (Bird by Bird, xxv-xxvi).

People Pleasing Pastors – Pastors Gone Wild (Part 5)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A few years ago a couple approached me with clenched fists after a sermon.

I thought this can’t be good.

All weekend people thanked me for teaching on a topic that had frustrated them for years. I worked tirelessly on the message and felt that God had honored the time on my knees and at my computer.

It was a good weekend.

Then this couple, ironically both professors at a local Christian College, accused me of “twisting my words” and “misleading people.” For 12 minutes they raked me over the coals as my tear-down crew walked by wrapping up speaker cables and moving cabinets before the movie in our theater started.

It takes a lot to rattle me. Three hours later I was still trying to quell that nervousness, the kind of feeling you get after you’re in an automobile accident. After their verbal blistering I had to simply walk away; but they chased me down and gave me more.

Stewing on it a few days later, I was amazed by two things:

First, I was amazed at how much that one negative conversation overshadowed the twenty-five or so positive ones that also took place.

Second, I was amazed by how negative people still affect me after preaching all these years.

One of the temptations we pastors can succumb to is preparing and delivering sermons based on the compliments, requests, flattery and feedback of the people we serve. While we always want to preach to meet the spiritual needs of the people we serve, what if God wants us to preach on something that will royally tick them off?

Just this week in my time with God I began reading the book of Ezekiel. Look at what God told Ezekiel when he called him to preach,

"The people to whom I am sending you are obstinate and stubborn. Say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says.' And whether they listen or fail to listen—for they are a rebellious house—they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or be terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious." (Ezekiel 2:4-7)

I was struck by that. Not only because I’m usually more rebellious than anyone I’m speaking to, but because of how chicken I can be.

I want to be liked.

I hate getting criticized.

I don't want Ezekiel's job.

But that’s our calling.

As my dad tells me, “You stand up there and tell the truth and take the hits like a man. That’s just what leaders do. It’s not easy, but if it were, everybody would be doing your job.”

Pastors, if you’re having trouble wanting to please people through what you say on Sundays, you’ll do well to heed the advice of the great 4th century pastor, St. Chrysostom. In Book 5, section 7 of On the Priesthood, his preaching “how to” book for pastors of his day, he urged,

“Let, therefore, the man who undertakes the strain of teaching never give heed to the good opinion of the outside world, nor be dejected in soul on account of such persons; but laboring at his sermons so that he may please God, (For let this alone be his rule and determination, in discharging this best kind of workmanship, not acclamation, nor good opinions,) if, indeed, he be praised by men, let him not repudiate their applause, and when his hearers do not offer this, let him not seek it, let him not be grieved. For a sufficient consolation in his labors, and one greater than all, is when he is able to be conscious of arranging and ordering his teaching with a view to pleasing God.”

Read other posts in this series:
Pastors Gone Wild – New Series Begins Today
Why Pastors Yield To Sexual Temptation (Part 1)
Does Your Pastor Really Believe In Hell? (Part 2)
Effeminate Pastors (Part 3)
Overweight Pastors (Part 4)
People Pleasing Pastors (Part 5)

Protecting Our Hearts From “Doom and Gloom” People

Monday, April 14, 2008

Here’s an excerpt from a chapter called “Distance” in Getting Rid of the Gorilla:

The writer of Proverbs 4:23 understood how crucial it is to guard the spiritual and emotional core of who we are. Notice the phrase “above all else.” There was no punctuation in ancient Hebrew, so to call attention to something he wanted to emphasize, a Jewish writer placed it at the beginning of the sentence. By placing “above all else” at the front of this proverb, the writer was saying, “Trust me, whatever you do in life, and I mean whatever you do, make sure you guard your heart!”

In 1997 I learned why this is important. That was the year I quit being a pastor. I didn’t make a formal announcement to my congregation, but I might as well have; I was out of there. In my mind I had one very good reason for removing my hand from the plow: a man I’ll call Jim.

He was an older gentleman who felt called by God to be my accountability partner—without asking me. One day he offered to take me out to eat, and, underprepared for what was about to happen, I accepted. Setting down his sandwich, Jim said, “Brian, there are hundreds of things you are doing wrong at our church, but for the sake of time I’ve shortened my list to ten.”

Caught completely off guard, I made the mistake of saying, “Start with number one.” Two and a half hours later, I left with 50 percent less self-esteem and a really good case for why first cousins should never marry.

After that meeting, Jim decided it was his special calling from God to point out my mistakes on a weekly basis—through letters, phone calls, notes in the offerings bowls, frowns during my sermons, and endless discussions with other church members behind my back. Jim was the first person I ever met with the spiritual gift of slander.

In his book Travels with Charley, John Steinbeck remarked, “Strange how one person can saturate a room with vitality, with excitement. Then there are others . . . who can drain off energy and joy, can suck pleasure dry and get no sustenance from it. Such people spread a grayness in the air about them.”

That was Jim, and I hated him for it. For an entire year, he wrecked my life—he single-handedly wrecked me emotionally.

There’s a reason Proverbs 4:23 cautions us to guard our hearts: God doesn’t expect us to keep allowing people like Jim to hurt us. God isn’t sadistic; he doesn’t expect us to keep going back for second helpings of pain. Creating distance is simply a way we guard our hearts from getting trampled on again and again.

The 10 Most Read Posts In The Last Month

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Here are the 10 most visited posts from the previous month:

South Park – Christianity’s Greatest Critics – Part 2

7 Ways We Keep Church Hoppers From Staying

It Takes A Real Pastor To Preach A Sermon On 1 Kings 14:10

Why Pastors Yield To Sexual Temptation – Pastors Gone Wild (Part 1)

Are People Born Wicked?

Social Change Agents – Christianity’s Greatest Critics – Part 5

8 Creative Things Churches Did For Easter

Effeminate Pastors – Pastors Gone Wild (Part 3)

Does Your Pastor Really Believe In Hell? – Pastors Gone Wild (Part 2)

Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, and A New Earth

Thank You For Your Prayers

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I want to thank you for your prayers yesterday. It was a real quick trip. I went on Every Day with Marcus and Lisa in the morning, then went by another local Atlanta station for a 20 minute interview in the afternoon, and then jumped on a 5:17pm flight back to Philly.

My quick thoughts on Christian TV?
While there are certainly the excesses of crazy ladies with purple hair and nutty evangelists with $3,000 Italian suits, Marcus and Lisa were normal. I went in to the station and hung out with them, and then a little while later their three daughters came in and joined us. I found them to be a family who simply wants to be in ministry together, and felt that one way to do that was to serve God through television. I came away realizing that these guys really broke through my stereotype of Christian TV personalities. It was refreshing.

The best part of the trip
The best part of the trip for me, however, came when I got to my hotel room and found this little stuffed lion and a note from my 9 year old tucked away inside my bag. She knew I was more than a little nervous, so she decided to write a little note that said “do a good job daddy” and hid it and the lion underneath my clothes.

Maybe I was just being emotional, but I couldn’t help but see the unintentional symbolism of the lion, as well as the tender generosity of my daughter.

From now on I’m taking that lion with me whenever I travel.

I’m On TV Today…No Joke

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Today I have the opportunity to go on two television shows and share the message of Getting Rid of the Gorilla. If you know me, you know I’m not a real big of being in front of the camera, especially Christian television cameras. But God opened this door, so here I am.

If you’re around a TV set and want to see what’s happening, here’s where you can find me:

11:00am (ET) Everyday with Marcus and Lisa Ryan on Familynet
You can find your local listing HERE.

1:30pm (ET) WATC/TV Atlanta with Greg West

Can I ask you for a favor? Please pray for me. Last night I asked my publicist, “How many people watch these shows? I’m pretty nervous.” She said, “A little more than 10 million.” “Oh, that’s just wonderful,” I shot back.

Please pray that…
--People who have been wounded can find hope and healing
--More people than just my mom and some crazy lady in Oklahoma City with 16 cats tunes in
--I get out of the way
--I don’t get nervous voice

Thanks everyone.

Brian

Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, and A New Earth

Monday, April 07, 2008

Over 2,000,000 people from 139 countries have participated with Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle in a live Web-based seminar covering each chapter of Tolle’s recent book entitled, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

I just finished the book myself.

Here’s my take:

1. There’s nothing new in it. It simply regurgitates the same old stuff you can get from virtually any book in the “New Age” section of your local Barnes & Noble.

2. It was a snoozer. Academic German types are not known for getting right to the point and saying it with flare.

3. Christians need to know there are significant differences between what Eckhart is teaching (and Oprah is endorsing) and what the Bible teaches.

For a balanced article that compares the teachings of the Bible with A New Earth, click HERE.

Pop Goes The Church!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

My youngest daughter came home from school a few minutes ago and found a UPS package on our doorstep.

It was my copy of Tim Steven's Pop Goes The Church.

I’ve been looking forward to this book. I read about 2-3 books a week, and have hit a real dry spell lately.

I can’t wait to jump in.

Thanks for serving the church through this book Tim.

Rent - A - Dwarf (and other ideas from The 4 - Hour Workweek)

Thursday, April 03, 2008

I just finished reading Timothy Ferris’ The 4 - Hour Work Week. If you haven’t read it, let me summarize it in one sentence:

“How to export your business labor pool to India and reduce your workload to 4 hours a week so you can travel around the world and have sex with as many women as possible.”

Honestly, I found the book quite worthless, except for three good ideas:

#1 Set Impossibly Short Deadlines
“On a micro task level, limit the number of items on your to do list and use impossibly short deadlines to force immediate action while ignoring minutiae.” (page 80).

#2 Stop Responding To Emergencies And Emergencies Will Stop Coming To You
“…What if someone has an emergency? It doesn’t happen. My contacts now know that I don’t respond to emergencies, so the emergencies somehow don’t exist or don’t come to me. Problems, as a rule, solve themselves or disappear if you remove yourself as an information bottleneck and empower others.” (page 83).

#3 Check E-mail Only Twice A Day
“Check e-mail twice per day, once at 12:00 noon or just prior to lunch, and again at 4:00 pm…never check email first thing in the morning. Instead, complete your most important task before 11:00 am to avoid using lunch or reading e-mail as a postponement excuse.” (Page 93).

But the last idea I gleaned from the book (one that you'd expect from a New York Times best-selling author) is one that is indicative of the rest of information you'll find in The 4 - Hour Workweek:

#4 Rent - A - Dwarf
“Danny Black (4’2) is the part-owner of http://www.shortdwarf.com/. Danny rents dwarfs as entertainment for $149.” (Page 147).

Thanks Timothy. You just never know when you’ll need the services of a dwarf now do you?

Things Too Good Not To Share

Friday, March 21, 2008

Moonsand
I’m in trouble. My youngest, somehow, someway, got sucked into some commercial on the Disney Channel and now all she can talk about is “Moonsand.” Have you seen the stuff? First it was Care Bears, then Littlest Pets, now it’s “Moonsand.”

It’s sand. With coloring. For $10 to 20! Talk about marketing genius! Getting a job to market sand would have to be, like, the crappiest job ever. But some 24 year old kid somewhere came up with the idea to color it, re-name it, and then package it at a 95% mark-up. Now they can’t keep the stuff on the shelves.



Now that’s creativity -- taking an old story and making it new! I want to hire that kid for my staff. Speaking of staff hires…

Staff Searching Etiquette
We’re searching for a worship pastor and I was just reminded again this week of our commitment to NEVER talk to someone until after they've been given permission to talk to us by their Senior Pastor or Executive Pastor first. The ways of the kingdom world are not the ways of the corporate world. Spiritual leaders never "steal" people. Plus, I firmly believe that if God is calling someone to our faith community, then the community that person is with will sense that calling too.

Gorilla off to a great start!
I just got done talking with a pastor who wanted 45 copies of Getting Rid of the Gorilla fast. If you want to order 20 or more copies I can get you a 20% discount plus shipping! Just drop me a line at brian@moviechurch.com and we’ll get them right out to you.

Some great blogs I stumbled upon…
Phil Vischer, the Veggie Tales creator, has started blogging
Church Relevance keeps cranking out innovative church concepts
Bradley Wright at Yale keeps challenging me

Blast from the past
I love catching up with old friends! My old Preaching Professor from Kentucky Christian University, Louie Webber, dropped by my blog yesterday. It was great hearing from him. You can check out his blog at: www.louieweber.com. He's one of the reasons I became a Senior Pastor!

Here’s the comment I left on his blog…

Dude,

Talk about a blast from the past.

You know, when people ask me how I got into ministry, I often share how in my first preaching class at KCU I had this prof named Louie Webber and after my first sermon (which royally stunk) he said, “Brian, if I were God, I would call you to a lifetime of pulpit ministry.” And that was it.

I lost track of you man. You were so dynamic I thought either you’d keep doing what you’re doing and have incredible kingdom impact. Either that or you’d leave the faith and move to Montana and start a new religion with 16,000 followers and I’d be watching The Nightly News with Brian Williams one night and there you’d be, holed up in a cabin with 1,500 federal troops surrounding you and suddenly you’d come out guns ablazing like Young Guns or something.

Glad you chose the Jesus route, tats and beard not withstanding. Looking forward to catching up.
Brian

Have a Powerful Easter
I’m praying that you have a great Easter. As my friend Dick Alexander always says, “Give ‘em heaven!”

Brian

Christianity's Biggest Forgiveness Myth: "If I Don’t Forgive, God Won’t Forgive Me"

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Yesterday I received my first copy of Getting Rid of the Gorilla in the mail. It was kinda wierd holding it after it had been just an "idea" for so long.

Here's another excerpt of a section of the book that I think will be helpful to people who are struggling to move on after a hurt:

I’ll never forget a compelling sermon I heard years ago on the topic of forgiveness. The basis for the message that day was Matthew 6:14, 15:

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

The pastor talked at length about the fact that God loves us so much he is willing to use the threat of hell to force us to wake up and forgive those who hurt us. With passion in his voice, he talked about how awful it would be not to go to heaven for all eternity because of some temporary though painful event that happened to us on earth. Pacing back and forth across the stage, he told story after emotional story to try to convince his listeners to let go of the past and move on. Then, with tears in his eyes, he concluded his message with a heartfelt plea to forgive those who hurt us while we still had time.

After the service, I walked to my car and thought to myself, That guy’s an idiot. I was shocked, for two reasons: I couldn’t believe such a negative thing would come to mind so shortly after a church service; I expected more restraint. More important, I was the guy who preached that sermon. The whole time I was speaking, I was thinking to myself, Wait a minute, this doesn’t sound right, even if it is exactly what these verses seem to be saying. There’s got to be more to the story.

I was confused. I had been repeating exactly what I heard my pastor teach while I was growing up and exactly what my seminary professors had taught me in their classes. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had never heard any other interpretation of Matthew 6:14, 15 anywhere—not in the churches I’d attended, not on the radio or on television, not from Christian friends—not anywhere. I was disturbed. My questioning seemed heresy filled.

I began studying what great Christian leaders throughout church history thought about this passage. I was shocked to discover that they taught the same things I had preached! Look at what some of the most influential pastors and theologians in two thousand years of church history said about the need to forgive in order to be forgiven:

The man who does not from his heart forgive him who repents of his sin, and asks forgiveness, need not suppose that his own sins are forgiven of God.—St. Augustine

God has promised us assurance that everything is forgiven and pardoned, yet on the condition that we also forgive our neighbor. . . . If you do not forgive, do not think that God forgives you.—Martin Luther

The only Law of admission to His forgiveness is that we pardon our brothers for any sin against us.—John Calvin

A forgiving spirit . . . is a sign that we are in a state of forgiveness and favour ourselves: and that, if we are not of such a spirit, we are not forgiven of God.—Jonathan Edwards

I realize that it’s pretty audacious of me to disagree with some of the greatest theologians of all time, but I have to humbly and graciously break rank with them: Our forgiveness is not dependent upon our forgiving others.

Let me explain why.

Getting Rid of the Gorilla Except

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

In just a few weeks Getting Rid of the Gorilla will hit bookstores. It's been my prayer that this book will help a lot of people who have been banged up by life. Here's an excerpt from pages 142-143:

The Journal of John Woolman recounts a scene when Woolman, a Quaker who lived in colonial times in what is now New Jersey, tried to conduct a prayer meeting with a Native American tribe along the banks of the Susquehanna River in Pennsylvania.

Woolman wrote, “On the evening of the 18th I was at their meeting, where pure gospel love was felt, to the tendering of some of our hearts. The interpreters endeavoured to acquaint the people of what I said in short sentences, but found some difficulty, as none of them were quite perfect in the English and Delaware tongues.”

Eventually Woolman decided to stop the interpreting and trust that God would work through his words alone and help those in attendance grasp the meaning of his prayers: “Afterward, feeling my mind covered with the spirit of prayer, I told the interpreters that I found it in my heart to pray to God, and believed, if I prayed right, He would hear me, and expressed my willingness for them to omit interpreting.”

After the meeting, Woolman learned that Papunehang, the Indian chief, approached one of the interpreters and said of the English prayer he had not understood, “I love to feel where words come from.”

I’ve always been struck by the innocent beauty of the chief’s reaction, but it’s pretty apparent to me that while Woolman was praying he wasn’t simultaneously trying to get rid of the gorilla. If he had, the chief’s reaction might have been a little different. I’ve read the prayers I’ve put into a journal years after a painful incident, and I’ve listened to the words coming out of the hearts of people struggling to find a way to forgive; there’s nothing remotely endearing about any of them.

For those of us who struggle with forgiveness, the place where words are formed is a place of constant agitation. It’s the place where memories are replayed over and over again; where the original memories of a rapist’s face or the words of an overbearing mother can’t be easily forgotten. In my experience, feeling the place where the words of an unforgiving heart are formed is more like accidentally leaning on an electric fence than listening to someone recite a poem in a foreign language.

Years ago Lisa and I were traveling from Trenton, New Jersey, to the Jersey shore for the day. A white Volvo station wagon in front of us veered to the right, then turned hard left again and flipped over three times, coming to rest in the grass in the center median. In that split second I was more frightened than any other time I can remember. I quickly pulled over, and when Lisa and I jumped out, we were surprised to see small preschool-age children in the back seat.

We reached in, grabbed one in each arm, and pulled them out. Lisa huddled with the children while I pried the driver- and passenger-side doors open and helped a man and woman, both covered in blood, slide out of their seats. Since these were the days before cell phones, I ran out into the freeway, stopped a car, and asked someone to go get help. Twenty minutes later an ambulance showed up and took them all to the hospital.

I’ll never forget what I saw in that car, but more important, I’ll never forget what I felt—a knot in my chest and a mad rush of adrenaline covered by a blanket of numbness. It’s the only situation that’s ever come close to mirroring the immediate emotional aftereffects of getting ransacked by the gorilla. The place where unforgiving words are formed is a dark, erratic, and anxious place.

When the gorilla moves in, the first thing he unpacks is anxiety. Anxiety masks the real issues involved in forgiving those who have hurt us by locking us into replaying what happened to us over and over and over again. Rather than giving us ways to move on from the pain we’ve experienced, anxiety keeps us trapped in a nonstop mental replay of how we were hurt, complete with all the bewildering emotions we felt when the hurt first happened. Anxiety makes our situation seem more painful and intractable than it actually is, if for no other reason than the more we replay the memories, the more ingrained they become.

Getting Rid of Phantom Guilt

Friday, February 1st

Most people I know, including me, find that the toughest person they have to forgive is the one staring back at them in the mirror. Here’s a small excerpt of a chapter on forgiving ourselves in Getting Rid of the Gorilla. It’s released in one month (March 1st). You can pre-order it for yourself and loved ones by clicking HERE.


Phantom Guilt

Phantom guilt is lingering guilt for something you should no longer feel guilty about. In his classic Christian book The Pilgrim’s Progress, John Bunyan tells the parable of a man named Christian who has been making his way back to the celestial city with a massive burden tied to his back. The load has become excruciatingly painful to carry, and as the parable continues it becomes apparent that the load represents the weight of Christian’s past sins. Eventually Christian comes to the foot of the cross, and as Bunyan puts it:

“His burden loosed from off his shoulders, and fell from off his back, and began to tumble; and so continued to do till it came to the mouth of the sepulchre, where it fell in, and I saw it no more.”

Phantom guilt is what happens when we go back to that sepulcher, dig up that large tote full of our past sins, and reaffix it onto our backs. Phantom guilt is feeling guilty over something that has already been forgiven. The primary reason we feel phantom guilt is because of how our brains and emotions work. When I do something that goes against God’s plan, my brain records that incident with amazing clarity, and once I am forgiven, God doesn’t go inside my head and delete that memory. As a result, I confuse myself into thinking that just because I can remember that incident, God automatically remembers it as well.

What makes matters worse is that our brains trigger certain emotions when those memories are recalled, so we remember not only the sins we’ve committed but the emotions of God-inspired guilt we felt afterward as well. Those memories and feelings of guilt are phantoms. They exist inside our minds, so they feel real, but they don’t exist in the mind of God. Once we asked for forgiveness, God forgave and completely forgot what we did. It’s gone. In his mind it no longer exists. The problem is it is still very real to us. The solution, then, is to remind ourselves as soon as phantom guilt rears its ugly head that what we are experiencing is not real; it is a shadow of something that used to exist. We have to discipline ourselves to trust the fact of our forgiveness over the feelings of our phantom guilt.

A Good Man Is Hard To Find

Thursday, January 24th

This morning I began reading my very first Flannery O'Connor short story, A Good Man Is Hard To Find. It was both fascinating and thoroughly disturbing, to say the least. How in the world this demure, southern, Catholic lady was able to think up such graphic and wildly violent images baffles me.

For those who want to read the story without buying the book, you can find it online HERE. It's just 10 or so pages long.

I'll be processing this piece for a long time.

Born Standing Up

Thursday, January 3rd

Between Christmas and New Year's I read Steve Martin's book Born Standing Up, a glimpse into Martin's life before he became famous and why he eventually walked away from stand-up altogether.

The last line of his foreward sets the tone for the whole book:

"In a sense, this book is not an autobiography but a biography, because I am writing about someone I used to know. Yes, these events are true, yet sometimes they seemed to have happended to someone else, and I often felt like a curious onlooker or someone trying to remember a dream. I ignored my stand-up career for twenty-five years, but now, having finished this memoir, I view this time with surprising warmth. One can have, it turns out, an affection for the war years."

A few things touched me about the book:

1. How much of a people person Martin really is but how over time the demands of comedy and celebrity changed him. It was sad to read.

2. How much he relished the years before he "made it" and how much he hated stand-up after he was filling stadiums.

3. The way he eventually re-connected with his father before his death. After going to the Hollywood preview of Martins' movie The Jerk, someone asked his father what he thought of the movie. "He's no Charlie Chaplin" is all he could muster.

4. Finally, Martin's story re-affirmed for me that the "journey is the destination."

Spiritual Leadership

Wednesday, December 12

This morning I re-read a chapter in an amazing book: Spiritual Leadership by Henry Blackaby. Over the years I've returned to this unassuming book over and over again. Here are some thoughts that hit me again:

P. 202, “God has a plan for each person that is uniquely suited to that individual. Unlike people, God never piles on more than someone can handle. God never overbooks people. God never drives his servants to the point of breakdown. God never burns people out. God never gives his people tasks that are beyond the strength or ability he provides.”

Anxiety and the Past

Wednesday, December 5th

Here's an excerpt from Getting Rid of the Gorilla:

Years ago Lisa and I were traveling from Trenton, New Jersey, to the Jersey shore for the day. A white Volvo station wagon in front of us veered to the right, then turned hard left again and flipped over three times, coming to rest in the grass in the center median. In that split second I was more frightened than any other time I can remember.

I quickly pulled over, and when Lisa and I jumped out, we were surprised to see small preschool-age children in the back seat. We reached in, grabbed one in each arm, and pulled them out. Lisa huddled with the children while I pried the driver- and passenger-side doors open and helped a man and woman, both covered in blood, slide out of their seats. Since these were the days before cell phones, I ran out into the freeway, stopped a car, and asked someone to go get help. Twenty minutes later an ambulance showed up and took them all to the hospital.

I’ll never forget what I saw in that car, but more important, I’ll never forget what I felt—a knot in my chest and a mad rush of adrenaline covered by a blanket of numbness. It’s the only situation that’s ever come close to mirroring the immediate emotional aftereffects of getting ransacked by the gorilla. The place where unforgiving words are formed is a dark, erratic, and anxious place.

When the gorilla moves in, the first thing he unpacks is anxiety. Anxiety masks the real issues involved in forgiving those who have hurt us by locking us into replaying what happened to us over and over and over again. Rather than giving us ways to move on from the pain we’ve experienced, anxiety keeps us trapped in a nonstop mental replay of how we were hurt, complete with all the bewildering emotions we felt when the hurt first happened. Anxiety makes our situation seem more painful and intractable than it actually is, if for no other reason than the more we replay the memories, the more ingrained they become.

As disciples our best weapon against anxiety is prayer. Prayer opens up the windows in our souls and allows fresh air to whip around the corridors of our past, opening up the possibility for new ways of looking at what we have experienced.

Dr. Gary Smalley Endorsement

Wednesday, October 24

I was blown away a few days ago when I received an endorsement from New York Times best selling author Dr. Gary Smalley for my upcoming book on forgiveness, Getting Rid of the Gorilla.

For the past thirty years Dr. Smalley has helped thousands of people learn how to do life God's way in their friendships, marriages, parenting relationships and general home life. He's been on every talk show imagineable, been a spiritual mentor to celebrities, and used his influence to promote the cause of Christ around the world. The stack of books on my shelf serve as a testimony to the influence he's had on my thinking and life: The Language of Love, Making Love Last Forever, The Blessing, Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage, The Hidden Value of a Man, and a whole shelf full of other life-changing books.

Here's what he wrote,

“Brian Jones captures the heart of grace and mercy in this classic book, Getting Rid of the Gorilla: Confessions on the Struggle to Forgive. His authentic examples give us the perfect model of one who was hurt much and forgave much, and that is Jesus himself! Brian helps you see how forgiveness, although difficult, is all about God and his design for our freedom and the fullness of joy."
Dr. Gary Smalley – Speaker & Author of Change Your Heart…Change Your Life

Thanks Dr. Smalley for believing in the ministry of this book and helping get the word out!